Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
What about the drama from your momma?
I have officially been 30 years old for 2 weeks now, and while I don't feel physically different, I fear that I am becoming more aware of certain unpleasant aspects of relationships I have been a part of my whole life. I've developed a habit, immediately following any of my well formed plans crashing and burning at my feet, of saying "Well I had this vision, right?" This applies to my married life as well. That is not to say my marriage is crashing and burning, oh no far from it, but the reactions to me being married are whats getting to me. Two weeks from now I will celebrate my seventh wedding anniversary. In that time I have purchased two different houses, created a daughter and been promoted two times in my job. The second promotion actually takes effect on October 13th. With that picture, you could safely say I have done well for myself. If I wanted to be modest, my efforts are passable. I pray for and receive my daily bread. I have what I need, and know better than to try living beyond my means, that is irresponsible and, in my opinion, dumb. I cannot afford to be dumb when the life of two other people hang in the balance.
I have blogged before about my happiness being derived from helping others or making others happy. The easiest and most natural way for me to accomplish this is to feed people. Honestly, have you ever seen an unhappy person who's just finished a plate of chow? I cannot say that I have. With the exception of my wife and daughter there are two people I want to make happy more than anything, my parents, but they choose to make that task as difficult as possible. Since I have been married there have been highs and lows, and fights and apologies, as with any marriage. My wife and I have learned from our mistakes and, for the most part, become better people and a better team because of it. Well I had this vision, right? two people bringing together their families and forming one big family who share things and understand each other, and are there for each other in times of trouble. As I mentioned above, this vision crashed and burned. Our families have difficulty being in the same room with each other. My parents cite "they're just too different" as their excuse. My in laws try, I have seen them, but what is the point of putting forth effort that is never reciprocated? The result is a very complicated and overbooked holiday season.
I come from a generation that has a saying "Save the drama for your momma" because no one else cares. But how am I supposed to respond when the drama is coming from my momma? I don't want my wife and daughter exposed to it, because its not their fault, or problem to bear, but I am also unable to change two people who have been doing this for 55 years. This is where recognizing unpleasant aspects of lifelong relationships is coming into the equation. My parents have committed acts of irresponsible and disrespectful nature toward my wife and I. The very same things they taught me NOT TO DO when I lived under their roof. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, and my parents have not devolved into monsters. Its simple things, like not being able to give me a straight answer to a simple, closed ended question, not being somewhere when they said they would be, and worse, not having a cell phone to contact them. Any of those things would have gotten me in deep shit 10 years ago. That's irresponsible, I would have been told. We worry about you, and one day you'll understand. They were absolutely right! But what is my recourse now? To lecture my parents on what they already know? It is not the job of the apprentice to teach the master. Do I call them out for being hypocrites? Do I even have it in me to accept that I was raised in a "Do as I say not as I do" family environment?
I suppose the bottom line in all this is that I am having to grapple with my parents not being the great and infallible entities I always thought they were. They are clearly guilty of many of the shortcomings they drilled me never to do. With this information coming into focus, how do I proceed? I want to respect my parents, but as a man, husband and father myself, I expect theirs equally. If they cannot give me what I feel is earned, then what is my incentive to return in kind? I have long wanted to make my parents proud of me in my accomplishments and successes. I saw it as my way of thanking them for teaching me, and raising me to have work ethic, and determination to see a job through to the end. Another unfortunate aspect of my relationship with them seems to be apathy toward my hard work. Again, without incentive of someone else being happy (my wife, daughter, mom and dad topping that list) why should I push on? What is the point of giving my all if those I want to share my accomplishments with don't really care?
I do not want to accept that my parents are lonely and quietly angry people. That cannot be the truth of it. They taught me everything right, they showed me love, compassion and discipline. An apathetic person wouldn't value these things as traits, and yet I have them. Did my getting married cause some rift in my relationship with my parents? Its too late to repair that now. I am 7 years invested into my married life. I am not going to derail that train to appease my parents. At this point I wonder if they can be appeased by anything that I do. Being an adult seems to become more difficult with each passing year, even if you don't do anything to make it so.
Until we meet again...
Chase
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Wandering thoughts
I've been away for a while, but such is the way of things in the summer. Having a new house gives me no end of projects to direct my energy toward. I would rather be elbow deep in that, than staring blankly at this screen, but 40 hours a week depends on these screens so here I sit. My last update had to do with balancing everyone's happiness over my own. My own happiness being dependent on my ability to please everyone else. It feels like a lot has happened since then. The stress of home buying has settled down, and I can sleep through a night without dreams of the purchase falling through. I have resumed a normal routine: get up, go to work, come home, work a project, make dinner, shower, bed...and repeat. This is the rhythm that keeps me sane, and probably will for the next 40-50 years, God willing.
As a reward for surviving the stress of moving between March and May, the wife and I planned a trip to Myrtle Beach to get away and unwind. There are 2 things I have learned over the past 30 years when it comes to vacations: 1) You get a better insight into yourself when removed from the safety and familiarity of your daily routine, and 2) This applies to anyone who goes with you. We set out on the evening of May 27th and were gone until June 1st. All told, a good time was had and the stress of the past 10 weeks forgotten in short order. My daughter experienced land's end for the 1st time. We built sand castles, which she demolished shortly after. I watched her take on the Atlantic with no fear, squealing and laughing all the time. We ate our weight in seafood, enjoying all the Grand Strand had to offer every night. For some this could be considered paradise, perfection even, and by all accounts I should agree; as the vacation wore on, however, the shine wore off, and my mind wandered in the vacuum where day to day responsibilities and routine were put on hold
As of late, say the last 6 months, I have learned my two biggest weaknesses are fatigue and hunger. The heavier either of them weigh on me, the grumpier I become to those around me. Pair them together, and I feel down right ill. This was my situation the last 2 nights of our trip. Looking back on these episodes, I can say now that I interpreted the world around me differently as well. For example, a dinner table including my wife, daughter, and in laws did not appear to me as a group of people cutting up and having fun. What I saw was a working family unit, that didn't include me...Didn't NEED me. I was the odd shaped cog that didn't sit right with the group I was a part of. I felt like the scene would continue uninterrupted if I was erased from the picture. My daughter had her place, she fit...hell, she powered the machine with her smile, and laugh, but what did I contribute? My sister in law had half jokingly said, soon after my daughter was born, "You've done your job, you can go now." 17 months later, and joke or not, I remember that phrase clear as crystal. Sitting around the table the night of May 30th, it rang inside my skull loud as cathedral bells: YOU CAN GO NOW...YOU'RE NOT NEEDED.
The following day my mood was visibly impacted. While my thoughts and feelings were no longer affected by hunger or exhaustion, my skewed view of the prior evening had left its mark. My wife had seen this before in other vacations we had taken with her family. I'd reached a point where she seemed more like their daughter and less like my wife. She has told me on prior occasions I am choosing to feel that way, and it is not true. I hear her words, and I want to believe them, but the picture of the working family machine, and my being the odd piece out remains. Add my daughter to the equation and everything my in laws do seems like an attack on my ability to be a dad. So now I am not only a 2nd rate husband, I am a 2nd rate father as well. I isolate myself, I don't want to be included. I don't want to be a part of THEIR family. I want my wife, and my daughter...I want MY family, but that's not the point of taking a joint vacation, now is it?
The argument ensues that night as it has every time we have gone on vacation together. She is upset that I can't see how wrong my viewpoint is and that if I tried to include myself it would all work out. "Is this how it's going to be every time we take a family vacation?" she asks, half crying, half fed up with me, "because if so, I don't want to do it again." I can't tell her that trying to include myself won't work. I can't say that I want no part of her family, that I want her, and my daughter, and NO ONE ELSE. It's too selfish, too hurtful, and in that moment it would be spat from my mouth with malice and intention to cut deep. I retain control, I don't say it. I stare off, unable to meet my wife's eyes. I am mad, I am upset and there is no way for me to impress on her how this feels. She will never be unneeded, a child always needs their mother. I lie on the bed, my daughter asleep on my arm, and I think while my wife gets ready to lie down, herself.
In the dark and quiet of our 12th story resort room, my thoughts return to feelings of not being needed. Those are followed by anger at my in laws for being right there, leaving me no cause to engage my daughter because they already have whatever she may need well in hand. I am not needed, I am superfluous. 12 stories up... I am unneeded, but I remain. Life would continue without pause if I ceased to be a part of it. 12th story balcony... A wicked smile spreads across my face. What would stop me from sliding that plastic patio end table to the side of the balcony, stepping up so I could sit on the mottled brass rail, and then rolling back into the dark? My wife is in the bathroom. It would be so quick and quiet, no one would miss me. Would they even register I was gone at first? In my mind these thoughts formed a black tar that coated everything. I looked at my daughter, less than a foot away and didn't feel fear, or remorse for what I was considering. I saw it as an opportunity to remove an unneeded piece from the game. I had concluded it would keep playing out whether I took my turn or not, so what was the point? It would be so easy, 90 seconds at the most, and I would never have to feel unneeded again. Never feel again. It would be so easy...
I sat bolt upright in bed as if I'd been shocked, and just above a whisper I said, "These are not my thoughts. I don't think this way. These are not mine. JESUS CHRIST HELP ME. Lord rebuke you, Satan. Get behind me! The image of tar in my mind was cut through with a shaft of light, and I felt that I had recovered my senses. My breathing eased, I hadn't even noticed it was labored moments before. I prayed for forgiveness, and mercy for what I had just planned and was on the verge of executing. I felt worthless, but not for trivial reasons. I was ready to punch my own card, to give up. That is not an option, nothing is ever easy, not for me, but that is the road I walk. If it is easy, really truly easy, then it is not something I am meant to be a part of. My Father in heaven started my work day on a muggy September 17th. He gets to say when the day is done.
Until we meet again
-Chase
As a reward for surviving the stress of moving between March and May, the wife and I planned a trip to Myrtle Beach to get away and unwind. There are 2 things I have learned over the past 30 years when it comes to vacations: 1) You get a better insight into yourself when removed from the safety and familiarity of your daily routine, and 2) This applies to anyone who goes with you. We set out on the evening of May 27th and were gone until June 1st. All told, a good time was had and the stress of the past 10 weeks forgotten in short order. My daughter experienced land's end for the 1st time. We built sand castles, which she demolished shortly after. I watched her take on the Atlantic with no fear, squealing and laughing all the time. We ate our weight in seafood, enjoying all the Grand Strand had to offer every night. For some this could be considered paradise, perfection even, and by all accounts I should agree; as the vacation wore on, however, the shine wore off, and my mind wandered in the vacuum where day to day responsibilities and routine were put on hold
As of late, say the last 6 months, I have learned my two biggest weaknesses are fatigue and hunger. The heavier either of them weigh on me, the grumpier I become to those around me. Pair them together, and I feel down right ill. This was my situation the last 2 nights of our trip. Looking back on these episodes, I can say now that I interpreted the world around me differently as well. For example, a dinner table including my wife, daughter, and in laws did not appear to me as a group of people cutting up and having fun. What I saw was a working family unit, that didn't include me...Didn't NEED me. I was the odd shaped cog that didn't sit right with the group I was a part of. I felt like the scene would continue uninterrupted if I was erased from the picture. My daughter had her place, she fit...hell, she powered the machine with her smile, and laugh, but what did I contribute? My sister in law had half jokingly said, soon after my daughter was born, "You've done your job, you can go now." 17 months later, and joke or not, I remember that phrase clear as crystal. Sitting around the table the night of May 30th, it rang inside my skull loud as cathedral bells: YOU CAN GO NOW...YOU'RE NOT NEEDED.
The following day my mood was visibly impacted. While my thoughts and feelings were no longer affected by hunger or exhaustion, my skewed view of the prior evening had left its mark. My wife had seen this before in other vacations we had taken with her family. I'd reached a point where she seemed more like their daughter and less like my wife. She has told me on prior occasions I am choosing to feel that way, and it is not true. I hear her words, and I want to believe them, but the picture of the working family machine, and my being the odd piece out remains. Add my daughter to the equation and everything my in laws do seems like an attack on my ability to be a dad. So now I am not only a 2nd rate husband, I am a 2nd rate father as well. I isolate myself, I don't want to be included. I don't want to be a part of THEIR family. I want my wife, and my daughter...I want MY family, but that's not the point of taking a joint vacation, now is it?
The argument ensues that night as it has every time we have gone on vacation together. She is upset that I can't see how wrong my viewpoint is and that if I tried to include myself it would all work out. "Is this how it's going to be every time we take a family vacation?" she asks, half crying, half fed up with me, "because if so, I don't want to do it again." I can't tell her that trying to include myself won't work. I can't say that I want no part of her family, that I want her, and my daughter, and NO ONE ELSE. It's too selfish, too hurtful, and in that moment it would be spat from my mouth with malice and intention to cut deep. I retain control, I don't say it. I stare off, unable to meet my wife's eyes. I am mad, I am upset and there is no way for me to impress on her how this feels. She will never be unneeded, a child always needs their mother. I lie on the bed, my daughter asleep on my arm, and I think while my wife gets ready to lie down, herself.
In the dark and quiet of our 12th story resort room, my thoughts return to feelings of not being needed. Those are followed by anger at my in laws for being right there, leaving me no cause to engage my daughter because they already have whatever she may need well in hand. I am not needed, I am superfluous. 12 stories up... I am unneeded, but I remain. Life would continue without pause if I ceased to be a part of it. 12th story balcony... A wicked smile spreads across my face. What would stop me from sliding that plastic patio end table to the side of the balcony, stepping up so I could sit on the mottled brass rail, and then rolling back into the dark? My wife is in the bathroom. It would be so quick and quiet, no one would miss me. Would they even register I was gone at first? In my mind these thoughts formed a black tar that coated everything. I looked at my daughter, less than a foot away and didn't feel fear, or remorse for what I was considering. I saw it as an opportunity to remove an unneeded piece from the game. I had concluded it would keep playing out whether I took my turn or not, so what was the point? It would be so easy, 90 seconds at the most, and I would never have to feel unneeded again. Never feel again. It would be so easy...
I sat bolt upright in bed as if I'd been shocked, and just above a whisper I said, "These are not my thoughts. I don't think this way. These are not mine. JESUS CHRIST HELP ME. Lord rebuke you, Satan. Get behind me! The image of tar in my mind was cut through with a shaft of light, and I felt that I had recovered my senses. My breathing eased, I hadn't even noticed it was labored moments before. I prayed for forgiveness, and mercy for what I had just planned and was on the verge of executing. I felt worthless, but not for trivial reasons. I was ready to punch my own card, to give up. That is not an option, nothing is ever easy, not for me, but that is the road I walk. If it is easy, really truly easy, then it is not something I am meant to be a part of. My Father in heaven started my work day on a muggy September 17th. He gets to say when the day is done.
Until we meet again
-Chase
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Once and for all
I mentioned that my family and I are moving a few entries back, but now I think I have enough to make a full blown post about it. We have only ever moved once before, and we had 6 years less crap to make the trip with. We moved from a rental townhouse to our current home. It was somewhat disorganized process, but luckily everything that was supposed to come along for the ride did. Moving from one private residence to another is a whole different animal by comparison.
We are fortunate in the fact that our real estate agents and loan officer are close personal friends. That has afforded us quite a bit more information and understanding of what is going on than if we had just chosen at random. This time around, we didn't serve up a notice to our landlord, instead we were held responsible for a list of repairs requested by the buyers. Now we were told we could flat refuse them, but that was amended with, if you do their loan could be refused, and you'll lose the sale. We negotiated for the less expensive items, but ultimately got saddled with the whole list, which carried a $3500 price tag.
We were told at the very beginning stages of this process that it is much like a circus and the real estate agent was directing all the acts at once to make sure his buyers got they paid for. That was never more apparent than this afternoon. Our contractor was in the midst of repairing our chimney; a job he has assured us was going to take until next week to complete, due to the materials delivery schedule he had to adhere to. The type of siding he was using is only delivered on Wednesday, so there was no way he could be back before Thursday of next week to complete the repair. The idea was to close on that day, and he was aware of our completion deadline before he ever accepted the job. Unfortunately, there was no way for him to have known the extent of the work that was needed until he was elbow deep in the mix.
I relayed this bad news to my agent who contacted all interested parties and had our closing shifted to next Friday so all the work could be complete and necessary supporting documentation prepared. My wife took on the task of contacting our utility companies and the movers. The 1st snag came in the way of the movers being booked solid next Friday, followed by the utility company advising us they do not do shut offs on Friday, it would have to be the following Monday. Bottom line was we would have to pay an overnight holding fee to keep our movers (or change movers altogether) and do without utilities for 3 days while paying to keep them running in the house we had just vacated. No thank you! As the day wore on, emotions and stress levels were redlining.
I took a walk outside at 4:30p and found almost all the siding hung, and 2 full slats sitting on the driveway. I looked to the GC's 2nd in command and said, "I'm thinking we're going to have enough siding to finish this thing today" He answered, "We have exactly enough!" These were just the words I needed to hear. With exception of a coat of paint, the repairs are complete. I called my agent back with some good news for a change, and by the grace of God all interested parties agreed to set closing back to next Thursday. It seems this is just meant to be the day, everything fits into place on Thursday.
The countdown is back on track, and 7 days from now we'll be sitting in our new, albeit hellishly disorganized, house. The stress from the last 7 weeks will be a memory and I can finally focus my energy on the next chapter of our lives. There are new rooms to arrange and a whole new yard and garden to tame. The age of New Guedryfell is fast approaching, and I am finally excited about it.
We are fortunate in the fact that our real estate agents and loan officer are close personal friends. That has afforded us quite a bit more information and understanding of what is going on than if we had just chosen at random. This time around, we didn't serve up a notice to our landlord, instead we were held responsible for a list of repairs requested by the buyers. Now we were told we could flat refuse them, but that was amended with, if you do their loan could be refused, and you'll lose the sale. We negotiated for the less expensive items, but ultimately got saddled with the whole list, which carried a $3500 price tag.
We were told at the very beginning stages of this process that it is much like a circus and the real estate agent was directing all the acts at once to make sure his buyers got they paid for. That was never more apparent than this afternoon. Our contractor was in the midst of repairing our chimney; a job he has assured us was going to take until next week to complete, due to the materials delivery schedule he had to adhere to. The type of siding he was using is only delivered on Wednesday, so there was no way he could be back before Thursday of next week to complete the repair. The idea was to close on that day, and he was aware of our completion deadline before he ever accepted the job. Unfortunately, there was no way for him to have known the extent of the work that was needed until he was elbow deep in the mix.
I relayed this bad news to my agent who contacted all interested parties and had our closing shifted to next Friday so all the work could be complete and necessary supporting documentation prepared. My wife took on the task of contacting our utility companies and the movers. The 1st snag came in the way of the movers being booked solid next Friday, followed by the utility company advising us they do not do shut offs on Friday, it would have to be the following Monday. Bottom line was we would have to pay an overnight holding fee to keep our movers (or change movers altogether) and do without utilities for 3 days while paying to keep them running in the house we had just vacated. No thank you! As the day wore on, emotions and stress levels were redlining.
I took a walk outside at 4:30p and found almost all the siding hung, and 2 full slats sitting on the driveway. I looked to the GC's 2nd in command and said, "I'm thinking we're going to have enough siding to finish this thing today" He answered, "We have exactly enough!" These were just the words I needed to hear. With exception of a coat of paint, the repairs are complete. I called my agent back with some good news for a change, and by the grace of God all interested parties agreed to set closing back to next Thursday. It seems this is just meant to be the day, everything fits into place on Thursday.
The countdown is back on track, and 7 days from now we'll be sitting in our new, albeit hellishly disorganized, house. The stress from the last 7 weeks will be a memory and I can finally focus my energy on the next chapter of our lives. There are new rooms to arrange and a whole new yard and garden to tame. The age of New Guedryfell is fast approaching, and I am finally excited about it.
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