What about the drama from your momma?

I have officially been 30 years old for 2 weeks now, and while I don't feel physically different, I fear that I am becoming more aware of certain unpleasant aspects of relationships I have been a part of my whole life.  I've developed a habit, immediately following any of my well formed plans crashing and burning at my feet, of saying "Well I had this vision, right?"  This applies to my married life as well.  That is not to say my marriage is crashing and burning, oh no far from it, but the reactions to me being married are whats getting to me.  Two weeks from now I will celebrate my seventh wedding anniversary.  In that time I have purchased two different houses, created a daughter and been promoted two times in my job.  The second promotion actually takes effect on October 13th.  With that picture, you could safely say I have done well for myself.  If I wanted to be modest, my efforts are passable.  I pray for and receive my daily bread.  I have what I need, and know better than to try living beyond my means, that is irresponsible and, in my opinion, dumb.  I cannot afford to be dumb when the life of two other people hang in the balance.     

I have blogged before about my happiness being derived from helping others or making others happy.  The easiest and most natural way for me to accomplish this is to feed people.  Honestly, have you ever seen an unhappy person who's just finished a plate of chow?  I cannot say that I have.  With the exception of my wife and daughter there are two people I want to make happy more than anything, my parents, but they choose to make that task as difficult as possible.  Since I have been married there have been highs and lows, and fights and apologies, as with any marriage.  My wife and I have learned from our mistakes and, for the most part, become better people and a better team because of it.  Well I had this vision, right? two people bringing together their families and forming one big family who share things and understand each other, and are there for each other in times of trouble.  As I mentioned above, this vision crashed and burned.  Our families have difficulty being in the same room with each other.  My parents cite "they're just too different" as their excuse.  My in laws try, I have seen them, but what is the point of putting forth effort that is never reciprocated?  The result is a very complicated and overbooked holiday season.

I come from a generation that has a saying "Save the drama for your momma" because no one else cares.  But how am I supposed to respond when the drama is coming from my momma?  I don't want my wife and daughter exposed to it, because its not their fault, or problem to bear, but I am also unable to change two people who have been doing this for 55 years.  This is where recognizing unpleasant aspects of lifelong relationships is coming into the equation.  My parents have committed acts of irresponsible and disrespectful nature toward my wife and I.  The very same things they taught me NOT TO DO when I lived under their roof.  I'm not trying to be dramatic here, and my parents have not devolved into monsters.  Its simple things, like not being able to give me a straight answer to a simple, closed ended question, not being somewhere when they said they would be, and worse, not having a cell phone to contact them.  Any of those things would have gotten me in deep shit 10 years ago.  That's irresponsible, I would have been told.  We worry about you, and one day you'll understand.  They were absolutely right!  But what is my recourse now? To lecture my parents on what they already know?  It is not the job of the apprentice to teach the master.  Do I call them out for being hypocrites?  Do I even have it in me to accept that I was raised in a "Do as I say not as I do" family environment? 

I suppose the bottom line in all this is that I am having to grapple with my parents not being the great and infallible entities I always thought they were.  They are clearly guilty of many of the shortcomings they drilled me never to do.  With this information coming into focus, how do I proceed?  I want to respect my parents, but as a man, husband and father myself, I expect theirs equally.  If they cannot give me what I feel is earned, then what is my incentive to return in kind?  I have long wanted to make my parents proud of me in my accomplishments and successes.  I saw it as my way of thanking them for teaching me, and raising me to have work ethic, and determination to see a job through to the end.  Another unfortunate aspect of my relationship with them seems to be apathy toward my hard work.  Again, without incentive of someone else being happy (my wife, daughter, mom and dad topping that list) why should I push on?  What is the point of giving my all if those I want to share my accomplishments with don't really care?

I do not want to accept that my parents are lonely and quietly angry people.  That cannot be the truth of it.  They taught me everything right, they showed me love, compassion and discipline.  An apathetic person wouldn't value these things as traits, and yet I have them.  Did my getting married cause some rift in my relationship with my parents?  Its too late to repair that now.  I am 7 years invested into my married life.  I am not going to derail that train to appease my parents.  At this point I wonder if they can be appeased by anything that I do.  Being an adult seems to become more difficult with each passing year, even if you don't do anything to make it so.

Until we meet again...
Chase   

Easter week blog off - Part 4

Today's topic, what burden did you turn over to God? What cross did you shoulder that God relieved you of?  As human beings we are wired to give in to temptations, that's why they're called temptations.  Everyone has their guilty pleasure, their vice, and in some cases their full blown sin.

Love of money = Greed
Love of food = Gluttony
Love of the flesh = Lust

Now when I use the word "love" I mean to the level of an idol.  Putting money, food, or flesh before God is a sin.  I wrestle with all 3 of these in some capacity and pray over at least 2 of them nightly.  I won't say that I put money before God, but it makes up the majority of my daily stress and worry.  Where is it going? Do we have enough of it? Will we have enough next week?  Are we spending wisely? Are we saving enough, or at all?  At any random time of the day one of these questions is always on my mind.  Why?  On 3 separate occasions in the past month, I have been on the verge of panic over our finances and all 3 times we came out with exactly what we needed, no more and no less.  Right on the money, if you'll pardon the pun.  Now you might say I lucked out, and maybe I did, but luck and grace hang out real close to each other in my experience.

I love food, as anyone who knows me will attest.  I revel in the challenge of cooking every single day.  You don't tip the scales at 220 lbs by relying on peanut butter sandwiches and Jello, let me tell you.  I wouldn't say that I regard food more than God, though I know I eat too much.  I recognize that what I have, "my daily bread" even, is from Him who loves me.  I also know my skill and passion for cooking is from Him as well.  I am thankful for both of these things daily, and have never viewed food as an idol.

Now for that 3rd one, lust of the eyes, and lust of the flesh.  I have tripped into this bear trap countless times. This October I will be married to my wife for 7 years.  I love her and would do anything and everything to make her happy until my last sunset.  Society and media on the other hand, use scantily clad women to try to sell me everything from cars to double bacon cheeseburgers.  Since middle school I have been hooked on porn.  It was free, easily accessible, and doesn't hurt anyone.  How is this a bad thing?  It skewed my impression of what a woman is supposed to be, that's how!  Real world women and porn star women are two roads that will never cross. I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking real women are willing and able to reenact "Debbie Does Dallas: 500" at a moments notice.  This is wrong.

The longer I was married, the more the truth of the matter became apparent.  Page 218 of the Kamasutra (you know, the position that calls for a rope swing and peach preserves) was not in my future.  But why not?  I had a wife now, that's the best part of being married, isn't it?  This confused my brainwashed self, and led me back to porn.  I rationalized that if marriage didn't equal my getting what I had seen in pictures for the past 10 years, the pictures were still there, they were still free, and my imagination could fill in the blanks.  At the end of the day, I didn't love my wife any less, and I would still do anything to make her happy. As far as I was concerned everybody came out on top.

Remember that selfless gift that lives in my dresser drawer?  There are dozens of references to the "reward" awaiting those with any hint of sexual immorality in their lives.  I seem to recall something about being grouped with the murders, rapist and liars for judgement, followed by a leisurely dip in a lake of fire and endless torment.  GET ME OFF THAT LIST!  I came before God in evening prayer, and admitted in a loud proud voice (inside my head at least)  I love boobs!  You made billions of them and they are great, but you only made 2 of them for me. They belong to my wife, and I love her the most.  WHAM!  My cross dropped.  I owned up to the most powerful and controlling, burden of my life and turned it over to God.  He loves me, I trust Him, and nothing can control me if He doesn't give it permission.  I'll bet a whole pile of money that porn doesn't ask permission.

Since then it has been a conscious effort to not allow myself into situations where temptation will be found.  That is to say I stopped looking for it, but it still looks for me.  What is different now, you wonder?  How do I avoid my former favorite bear trap?  I wake up every morning with the same two thoughts:  1) I will be tempted today  2) My armor is shining and I will keep it that way.