Wandering thoughts

I've been away for a while, but such is the way of things in the summer.  Having a new house gives me no end of projects to direct my energy toward.  I would rather be elbow deep in that, than staring blankly at this screen, but 40 hours a week depends on these screens so here I sit.  My last update had to do with balancing everyone's happiness over my own.  My own happiness being dependent on my ability to please everyone else.  It feels like a lot has happened since then.  The stress of home buying has settled down, and I can sleep through a night without dreams of the purchase falling through.  I have resumed a normal routine: get up, go to work, come home, work a project, make dinner, shower, bed...and repeat.  This is the rhythm that keeps me sane, and probably will for the next 40-50 years, God willing.

As a reward for surviving the stress of moving between March and May, the wife and I planned a trip to Myrtle Beach to get away and unwind. There are 2 things I have learned over the past 30 years when it comes to vacations: 1) You get a better insight into yourself when removed from the safety and familiarity of your daily routine, and 2) This applies to anyone who goes with you.  We set out on the evening of May 27th and were gone until June 1st.  All told, a good time was had and the stress of the past 10 weeks forgotten in short order.  My daughter experienced land's end for the 1st time.  We built sand castles, which she demolished shortly after.  I watched her take on the Atlantic with no fear, squealing and laughing all the time.  We ate our weight in seafood, enjoying all the Grand Strand had to offer every night.  For some this could be considered paradise, perfection even, and by all accounts I should agree; as the vacation wore on, however, the shine wore off, and my mind wandered in the vacuum where day to day responsibilities and routine were put on hold

As of late, say the last 6 months, I have learned my two biggest weaknesses are fatigue and hunger.  The heavier either of them weigh on me, the grumpier I become to those around me.  Pair them together, and I feel down right ill. This was my situation the last 2 nights of our trip.  Looking back on these episodes, I can say now that I interpreted the world around me differently as well.  For example, a dinner table including my wife, daughter, and in laws did not appear to me as a group of people cutting up and having fun.  What I saw was a working family unit, that didn't include me...Didn't NEED me.  I was the odd shaped cog that didn't sit right with the group I was a part of.  I felt like the scene would continue uninterrupted if I was erased from the picture.  My daughter had her place, she fit...hell, she powered the machine with her smile, and laugh, but what did I contribute?  My sister in law had half jokingly said, soon after my daughter was born, "You've done your job, you can go now."  17 months later, and joke or not, I remember that phrase clear as crystal.  Sitting around the table the night of May 30th, it rang inside my skull loud as cathedral bells:  YOU CAN GO NOW...YOU'RE NOT NEEDED.

The following day my mood was visibly impacted.  While my thoughts and feelings were no longer affected by hunger or exhaustion, my skewed view of the prior evening had left its mark.  My wife had seen this before in other vacations we had taken with her family.  I'd reached a point where she seemed more like their daughter and less like my wife.  She has told me on prior occasions I am choosing to feel that way, and it is not true.  I hear her words, and I want to believe them, but the picture of the working family machine, and my being the odd piece out remains.  Add my daughter to the equation and everything my in laws do seems like an attack on my ability to be a dad.  So now I am not only a 2nd rate husband, I am a 2nd rate father as well.  I isolate myself, I don't want to be included.  I don't want to be a part of THEIR family.  I want my wife, and my daughter...I want MY family, but that's not the point of taking a joint vacation, now is it?

The argument ensues that night as it has every time we have gone on vacation together.  She is upset that I can't see how wrong my viewpoint is and that if I tried to include myself it would all work out.  "Is this how it's going to be every time we take a family vacation?" she asks, half crying, half fed up with me, "because if so, I don't want to do it again."  I can't tell her that trying to include myself won't work.  I can't say that I want no part of her family, that I want her, and my daughter, and NO ONE ELSE.  It's too selfish, too hurtful, and in that moment it would be spat from my mouth with malice and intention to cut deep. I retain control, I don't say it.  I stare off, unable to meet my wife's eyes.  I am mad, I am upset and there is no way for me to impress on her how this feels.  She will never be unneeded, a child always needs their mother.  I lie on the bed, my daughter asleep on my arm, and I think while my wife gets ready to lie down, herself.

In the dark and quiet of our 12th story resort room, my thoughts return to feelings of not being needed.  Those are followed by anger at my in laws for being right there, leaving me no cause to engage my daughter because they already have whatever she may need well in hand.  I am not needed, I am superfluous.  12 stories up... I am unneeded, but I remain.  Life would continue without pause if I ceased to be a part of it.  12th story balcony...  A wicked smile spreads across my face.  What would stop me from sliding that plastic patio end table to the side of the balcony, stepping up so I could sit on the mottled brass rail, and then rolling back into the dark?  My wife is in the bathroom.  It would be so quick and quiet, no one would miss me.  Would they even register I was gone at first?  In my mind these thoughts formed a black tar that coated everything.  I looked at my daughter, less than a foot away and didn't feel fear, or remorse for what I was considering.  I saw it as an opportunity to remove an unneeded  piece from the game.  I had concluded it would keep playing out whether I took my turn or not, so what was the point?  It would be so easy, 90 seconds at the most, and I would never have to feel unneeded again.  Never feel again.  It would be so easy...

I sat bolt upright in bed as if I'd been shocked, and just above a whisper I said, "These are not my thoughts.  I don't think this way.  These are not mine.  JESUS CHRIST HELP ME.  Lord rebuke you, Satan. Get behind me!  The image of tar in my mind was cut through with a shaft of light, and I felt that I had recovered my senses.  My breathing eased, I hadn't even noticed it was labored moments before.  I prayed for forgiveness, and mercy for what I had just planned and was on the verge of executing.  I felt worthless, but not for trivial reasons.  I was ready to punch my own card, to give up.  That is not an option, nothing is ever easy, not for me, but that is the road I walk.  If it is easy, really truly easy, then it is not something I am meant to be a part of.  My Father in heaven started my work day on a muggy September 17th.  He gets to say when the day is done. 

Until we meet again
-Chase

I've had enough, but its not through yet

Wake up at 6:35a, go to work and maintain a persistent nagging mindset there there is more to do than you have time for.  More important things to do than sit in this chair and be a tech therapist for the next 9 hours.  You should be packing, 3 days left and you're no where near through yet. You begin noticing mistakes and oversights you've made.  Your co-workers have to clean up one failure after another.  They have to come behind you because you can't do it yourself.  You're not a good tech, you're a mediocre tech who others have to help.  You have to live this for 8 more hours, more Indians, and Romanians and Filipinos.  More mistakes, more escalations to other people because you can't do it, and the few you actually get through, who cares?  A glimpse of a lucky call before you trip and foul up again.

You have said "I'm sorry for the inconvenience" or "I'm sorry I don't know that"  dozens of times and its not even lunch hour yet.  You hate telling people that.  It is your polite code for I failed you, and there's nothing I can do about it.  So many times, so many people you can't help.  Why the hell are you still wasting time in this chair?  People need you and you fall short over and over again.  What is the point?

You sit in traffic for 40 minutes to find your way home and you apologize to your wife, who pulls in just behind you.  You should have been home before now, should have been packing already, but all you can say is "sorry I'm late, traffic was bad."   You fill another box in the ever growing mountain of cardboard. Your house is a mess, a disgrace, and there is nothing you can do about it.  You haven't dusted, vacuumed or swept in over 3 weeks and it's diving you crazy. Way to fail at one of the things that brings you happiness.  You keep packing, and put dinner on.  There are no plates or silver...of course not, they're PACKED.  You were supposed to find the paper plates and plastic forks, but you didn't do that either.  You failed again, and this time it breaks you.  One job Chase, you had 1 fucking job and you couldn't do it.

There is no tier 2, there is no helpdesk for me to call with my troubles.  No one should care about my troubles because they're mine.  I made them, and I have to deal with them.  I don't get to call an 800 # and have some voice magic my problems away.  Why have I chosen to be that guy?  Why have I chosen to be that voice?  I am tired of people and their problems.  I am so extremely tired.  I don't want to play this game of repetition anymore, but I have no choice. I have to have money so I work.  As I sit here my daughter calls "Da-da?" up the stairs until my wife comes to her and helps.  "Your daughter is calling you." she says.  I know, as I stare through watery, tear filled eyes at these words I'm typing, I KNOW THAT! I scream inside my head.  She doesn't need to see me, or hear me like this.  I have lost the fight.  Too much stacked against me for one day and I have LOST.

Simple things like finding paper plates and plastic forks loom like towers over me.  You can't do it.  I know I can't.  Comments from my wife and squeaks from my daughter for attention because she just wants a hug are blocked out.  I don't want to hear them, why don't they understand I am a failure?  Why don't they turn their backs and leave me alone?  I don't deserve love, I haven't earned love. What I have done is shown just another thing that I can fall short at, and the 2 people I care most about were front row, center for the show.  Despair and self loathing consume me.

Stop...Reboot...
Sorry, command not recognized...

I spend the evening this way.  I hurt to my core.  My throat and chest feel like a vice is wrapped around them.  All I can do is wait for sleep to silence the despair. Tomorrow is a new day, and I can try again.  I'll put on a happy face, and I'll sound cheerful.  I'll convince people I am a good employee, but what I really am is a better actor.  I have 2 options available to me: I can learn to deal with my failures, or I can not.  People put far more faith and stock in me than I am worthy of.  I am no one special, no one important and I have accomplished nothing worth mentioning in social studies class.  If I can come to grips with this, and tailor the next 30 years of my life around it, what is preventing everyone else from doing the same?

Next time with happier tidings
Chase