Showing posts with label people pleaser. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people pleaser. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
What about the drama from your momma?
I have officially been 30 years old for 2 weeks now, and while I don't feel physically different, I fear that I am becoming more aware of certain unpleasant aspects of relationships I have been a part of my whole life. I've developed a habit, immediately following any of my well formed plans crashing and burning at my feet, of saying "Well I had this vision, right?" This applies to my married life as well. That is not to say my marriage is crashing and burning, oh no far from it, but the reactions to me being married are whats getting to me. Two weeks from now I will celebrate my seventh wedding anniversary. In that time I have purchased two different houses, created a daughter and been promoted two times in my job. The second promotion actually takes effect on October 13th. With that picture, you could safely say I have done well for myself. If I wanted to be modest, my efforts are passable. I pray for and receive my daily bread. I have what I need, and know better than to try living beyond my means, that is irresponsible and, in my opinion, dumb. I cannot afford to be dumb when the life of two other people hang in the balance.
I have blogged before about my happiness being derived from helping others or making others happy. The easiest and most natural way for me to accomplish this is to feed people. Honestly, have you ever seen an unhappy person who's just finished a plate of chow? I cannot say that I have. With the exception of my wife and daughter there are two people I want to make happy more than anything, my parents, but they choose to make that task as difficult as possible. Since I have been married there have been highs and lows, and fights and apologies, as with any marriage. My wife and I have learned from our mistakes and, for the most part, become better people and a better team because of it. Well I had this vision, right? two people bringing together their families and forming one big family who share things and understand each other, and are there for each other in times of trouble. As I mentioned above, this vision crashed and burned. Our families have difficulty being in the same room with each other. My parents cite "they're just too different" as their excuse. My in laws try, I have seen them, but what is the point of putting forth effort that is never reciprocated? The result is a very complicated and overbooked holiday season.
I come from a generation that has a saying "Save the drama for your momma" because no one else cares. But how am I supposed to respond when the drama is coming from my momma? I don't want my wife and daughter exposed to it, because its not their fault, or problem to bear, but I am also unable to change two people who have been doing this for 55 years. This is where recognizing unpleasant aspects of lifelong relationships is coming into the equation. My parents have committed acts of irresponsible and disrespectful nature toward my wife and I. The very same things they taught me NOT TO DO when I lived under their roof. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, and my parents have not devolved into monsters. Its simple things, like not being able to give me a straight answer to a simple, closed ended question, not being somewhere when they said they would be, and worse, not having a cell phone to contact them. Any of those things would have gotten me in deep shit 10 years ago. That's irresponsible, I would have been told. We worry about you, and one day you'll understand. They were absolutely right! But what is my recourse now? To lecture my parents on what they already know? It is not the job of the apprentice to teach the master. Do I call them out for being hypocrites? Do I even have it in me to accept that I was raised in a "Do as I say not as I do" family environment?
I suppose the bottom line in all this is that I am having to grapple with my parents not being the great and infallible entities I always thought they were. They are clearly guilty of many of the shortcomings they drilled me never to do. With this information coming into focus, how do I proceed? I want to respect my parents, but as a man, husband and father myself, I expect theirs equally. If they cannot give me what I feel is earned, then what is my incentive to return in kind? I have long wanted to make my parents proud of me in my accomplishments and successes. I saw it as my way of thanking them for teaching me, and raising me to have work ethic, and determination to see a job through to the end. Another unfortunate aspect of my relationship with them seems to be apathy toward my hard work. Again, without incentive of someone else being happy (my wife, daughter, mom and dad topping that list) why should I push on? What is the point of giving my all if those I want to share my accomplishments with don't really care?
I do not want to accept that my parents are lonely and quietly angry people. That cannot be the truth of it. They taught me everything right, they showed me love, compassion and discipline. An apathetic person wouldn't value these things as traits, and yet I have them. Did my getting married cause some rift in my relationship with my parents? Its too late to repair that now. I am 7 years invested into my married life. I am not going to derail that train to appease my parents. At this point I wonder if they can be appeased by anything that I do. Being an adult seems to become more difficult with each passing year, even if you don't do anything to make it so.
Until we meet again...
Chase
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Balancing act
Quick show of hands from all my married friends, are holidays ever easy? I feel like a juggler trying to keep 3 pins moving while off balance, with my eyes closed. I sit here looking at all the people going on about their mothers and the sparkly sign GIF's proclaiming HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY all over facebook. I debated posting a picture like everyone else, but then remembered I have very few. My mom has become adept at dodging cameras over the years, and with that in mind I concluded she wouldn't appreciate my posting one of the few I do have. It feels the same every holiday: Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers/Fathers Day, Arbor Day, Armed Forces Day, it doesn't matter. I will be juggling 3 pins trying to keep my wife, my wife's family, and my parents happy. Placing the happiness of others before yourself makes it very difficult to find a genuine smile. Does prizing your own happiness over those around you not make you self centered? I'm not self centered, so I don't do that. The older I get, the more difficult real happiness is to find. Pouring my energy into everyone else's happiness becomes the norm.
I am not an asshole, nor am I callous and inconsiderate of others. Yet, by comparison, it seems to me those who choose this path of human interaction are happier than I allow myself to be. Have I gotten the equation wrong, should I be self centered and to hell with everyone else who isn't on the same page as I am? That looks like a volatile lifestyle, if you ask me. I derive happiness by making others happy. Feeding my friends is one of the primary avenues I employ to reach that end. If someone needs for something, or asks to do something, I take joy in being the one who makes it happen. Though I am usually not the one doing the asking. Does that make me wrong?
To any fans of Terry Goodkind, and the Sword of Truth series, wizard's 2nd rule applies to me. The best intentions can give rise to the most catastrophic outcomes. I can't see the future, I've never boasted that I could. I can't know how spending an afternoon with my mother will impact the rest of my family. My brain breaks it down to "you are doing something loving/good/ kind for someone you love. This is the right course" I find out later that in so doing I have offended, or irritated, or forgotten about someone else, and that causes mental and emotional conflict all over the map. I cannot rationalize how doing good is resulting in my being in trouble. I did nothing wrong, I made one person happy, that should not, in turn, make another person mad. Why am I wrong? How am I wrong? How is making someone happy wrong? This is a question that doesn't get answered, but boiled down to me not understanding. So ultimately I punish myself while the person I made mad remains mad at me. Making someone happy is then equated to my being in trouble, and getting punished. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is.
With that in mind, it could said that I have a perfectly good reason to be a callous dick. I was told earlier in my marriage that as an adult no one was there to punish me anymore. (barring breaking the law, of course) If I burn dinner, or forget to lock up, or leave the pantry light on all day, no one is there to berate me or impress upon me the importance of not doing that again. So I took on the responsibility myself. It isn't my wife's job, she told me. Though she has no qualms punishing me for when she feels wronged by something I did or said. Remember I am not yet a callous dick so these outcomes are born from my best intentions. (You see a cycle forming yet?) What prevents me from catching that initial onslaught of verbal/emotional punishment and firing back with, I made my decision, you need to deal with it however you need to deal with it?" or "This problem is your problem." 1st of all, because I love her and I care about her opinion foremost. If she hurts, I hurt. 2nd, she can always word her argument to somehow convince my brain that the thing I did/said that I thought was good, was actually bad. There is no way for me to undo, or unsay what has happened so I then have to live with the aftermath.
It seems to me that if I put myself 1st and said to hell with everyone else and their opinions, a good bit of this complication would cease to be; but I know acting that way would cause those I love to respond in kind and eventually either: a) we would all be dicks to one another, or b) I would be a very lonely individual. I do not look forward to either of those outcomes, but I am equally dissatisfied with my current situation. I refuse to accept that my acting to the happiness of one person should result, for any reason, in the angering of another. I have done right, so why is it so difficult to ignore the good that was done, and focus on how you were wronged by me? The result of which is trying to persuade me that my actions were wrong from the start. In my opinion they weren't and it isn't fair for anyone to try and convince me otherwise. I need to discover how to support my actions in such a way as to not be convinced of wrongdoing; I need to balance bringing myself happiness without it costing me compassion for others, and I got about 40 years to pull this off. Wish me luck.
I am not an asshole, nor am I callous and inconsiderate of others. Yet, by comparison, it seems to me those who choose this path of human interaction are happier than I allow myself to be. Have I gotten the equation wrong, should I be self centered and to hell with everyone else who isn't on the same page as I am? That looks like a volatile lifestyle, if you ask me. I derive happiness by making others happy. Feeding my friends is one of the primary avenues I employ to reach that end. If someone needs for something, or asks to do something, I take joy in being the one who makes it happen. Though I am usually not the one doing the asking. Does that make me wrong?
To any fans of Terry Goodkind, and the Sword of Truth series, wizard's 2nd rule applies to me. The best intentions can give rise to the most catastrophic outcomes. I can't see the future, I've never boasted that I could. I can't know how spending an afternoon with my mother will impact the rest of my family. My brain breaks it down to "you are doing something loving/good/ kind for someone you love. This is the right course" I find out later that in so doing I have offended, or irritated, or forgotten about someone else, and that causes mental and emotional conflict all over the map. I cannot rationalize how doing good is resulting in my being in trouble. I did nothing wrong, I made one person happy, that should not, in turn, make another person mad. Why am I wrong? How am I wrong? How is making someone happy wrong? This is a question that doesn't get answered, but boiled down to me not understanding. So ultimately I punish myself while the person I made mad remains mad at me. Making someone happy is then equated to my being in trouble, and getting punished. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is.
With that in mind, it could said that I have a perfectly good reason to be a callous dick. I was told earlier in my marriage that as an adult no one was there to punish me anymore. (barring breaking the law, of course) If I burn dinner, or forget to lock up, or leave the pantry light on all day, no one is there to berate me or impress upon me the importance of not doing that again. So I took on the responsibility myself. It isn't my wife's job, she told me. Though she has no qualms punishing me for when she feels wronged by something I did or said. Remember I am not yet a callous dick so these outcomes are born from my best intentions. (You see a cycle forming yet?) What prevents me from catching that initial onslaught of verbal/emotional punishment and firing back with, I made my decision, you need to deal with it however you need to deal with it?" or "This problem is your problem." 1st of all, because I love her and I care about her opinion foremost. If she hurts, I hurt. 2nd, she can always word her argument to somehow convince my brain that the thing I did/said that I thought was good, was actually bad. There is no way for me to undo, or unsay what has happened so I then have to live with the aftermath.
It seems to me that if I put myself 1st and said to hell with everyone else and their opinions, a good bit of this complication would cease to be; but I know acting that way would cause those I love to respond in kind and eventually either: a) we would all be dicks to one another, or b) I would be a very lonely individual. I do not look forward to either of those outcomes, but I am equally dissatisfied with my current situation. I refuse to accept that my acting to the happiness of one person should result, for any reason, in the angering of another. I have done right, so why is it so difficult to ignore the good that was done, and focus on how you were wronged by me? The result of which is trying to persuade me that my actions were wrong from the start. In my opinion they weren't and it isn't fair for anyone to try and convince me otherwise. I need to discover how to support my actions in such a way as to not be convinced of wrongdoing; I need to balance bringing myself happiness without it costing me compassion for others, and I got about 40 years to pull this off. Wish me luck.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
That validation bit
The Offspring did a song called "She's got issues" one of the lyrics
states: "She talks about closure and that validation bit. I don't mean
to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit." I asked my wife one
time what that meant, because apart from enjoying the song and
Offspring's body of work in general, I never thought to look it up. She
explained that it was validating your existence through the acceptance
of someone else. In the song's case, girl has broken up with old
boyfriend and wants to be accepted by new boyfriend with frequency. I
thought, why would anyone need to do that? Without realizing it, I'd
been passively doing it most of my life.
As a baby you are validated by your parents with praise for rolling over, pointing at da-da and finding your head with both hands. In school your teachers validate you with praise for a solid book report, or figuring out what the hell "x" is on the 1st try. I never was any good at that, myself. Parents continue validating you into adolescences as you show interest in hobbies like sports, music, or underwater basket weaving. As you enter into the workforce teachers' praise is replaced by manager's praise for a job well done, or putting in that overtime on a Saturday. Then there's spousal praise, and while it cannot take the place of your parents, after you move out and don't see them every day, it's harder to come by. I interact with mine 2-3 times a month. Here is where my problem arose.
For 23 out of the 29 years I've been drawing breath, somebody, somewhere at some time has given me an atta-boy for good work, or cuffed me across the neck for bad work. I was raised and trained to expect it and so tailored my efforts to get it. My current manager called me "achievement driven." in my last meeting. I'll agree with that, but I responded "Who isn't?" Why would you pass up the satisfaction of a job well done, or the rush you get from realizing you took whatever project was in front of you and kicked its ass. More to the point, your friends, or co-workers know about it. YOU DID IT. I feel like a motivation poster all of a sudden. I cannot fathom why anyone wouldn't want that, but remember everything I know is wrong. There are people in this world who do not know that sensation because they were never taught it. Their best, even their 110% was never good enough, so instead of pushing harder, they gave up. Lets file this with the facts I know are true.
I have learned that the older I get, the less spectacular I become. The list of things I accomplish for the 1st time dwindles and the praise of those around me becomes more difficult to garner. But I am driven by it, my boss said so. I have been trained to thrive on it, haven't I? You do something good, and get a high five, pat on the back, etc, right? No, not right! As that list of 1st time successes gets smaller, the checked off items become part of you. They amount to your skills and abilities. The fact that you can wash a household worth of clothes, change out the sink hardware, and mow the yard all in 1 day isn't worthy of celebration, its just part of your routine. For quite a while I have sought my validation through my projects. Housework, landscaping and cooking comprised the sum of Chase. I would ask my wife, or friends what they thought at every opportunity. I have been labeled a "people pleaser" more than once for this habit. What's worse, when an anime style, sparkly backdrop didn't erupt behind my wife or the company I had cooked dinner for to herald my obvious awesomeness and success, I would retreat and assume my accomplishment wasn't good enough. The reserved response of "That's nice" or "Good chow" seemed lackluster to what my 23 year trained mind was expecting. Surely my wife and friends were holding something back to spare me. They won't tell me I am chocked full of suck to spare my feelings...because they're my friends after all. From this I concluded that if I asked enough times, eventually I would get the fireworks and fanfare I felt were warranted.
STOP...
REBOOT...
What are you afraid of? Letting the people I care about down
Why? Because I should never let that happen
Why? Because I choose to be better than that
Why? Because the people I love deserve no less
Why? Because they would do the same for me
Why? Because they love me
WOAH
If the the people I'm working hard for love me already, then the fear is unsubstantiated. I'm not going to let them down, regardless what I do. Trying to validate my existence through others is a waste of time and adds to a neurosis I don't want or need. Asking if my efforts are good enough is defeatist. I am assuming they're not and need someone to tell me otherwise. Hang that nonsense because I know better. My landscaping is damn near pro, my cooking is top shelf. and I can get grass/blood stains out of anything! If that's not good enough for someone, their loss, and I can focus more energy on me. Sound selfish? Sure it does, but since my best wasn't good enough for you, I'm no longer obligated to care what you think of me.
Until we me again,
-Chase
As a baby you are validated by your parents with praise for rolling over, pointing at da-da and finding your head with both hands. In school your teachers validate you with praise for a solid book report, or figuring out what the hell "x" is on the 1st try. I never was any good at that, myself. Parents continue validating you into adolescences as you show interest in hobbies like sports, music, or underwater basket weaving. As you enter into the workforce teachers' praise is replaced by manager's praise for a job well done, or putting in that overtime on a Saturday. Then there's spousal praise, and while it cannot take the place of your parents, after you move out and don't see them every day, it's harder to come by. I interact with mine 2-3 times a month. Here is where my problem arose.
For 23 out of the 29 years I've been drawing breath, somebody, somewhere at some time has given me an atta-boy for good work, or cuffed me across the neck for bad work. I was raised and trained to expect it and so tailored my efforts to get it. My current manager called me "achievement driven." in my last meeting. I'll agree with that, but I responded "Who isn't?" Why would you pass up the satisfaction of a job well done, or the rush you get from realizing you took whatever project was in front of you and kicked its ass. More to the point, your friends, or co-workers know about it. YOU DID IT. I feel like a motivation poster all of a sudden. I cannot fathom why anyone wouldn't want that, but remember everything I know is wrong. There are people in this world who do not know that sensation because they were never taught it. Their best, even their 110% was never good enough, so instead of pushing harder, they gave up. Lets file this with the facts I know are true.
I have learned that the older I get, the less spectacular I become. The list of things I accomplish for the 1st time dwindles and the praise of those around me becomes more difficult to garner. But I am driven by it, my boss said so. I have been trained to thrive on it, haven't I? You do something good, and get a high five, pat on the back, etc, right? No, not right! As that list of 1st time successes gets smaller, the checked off items become part of you. They amount to your skills and abilities. The fact that you can wash a household worth of clothes, change out the sink hardware, and mow the yard all in 1 day isn't worthy of celebration, its just part of your routine. For quite a while I have sought my validation through my projects. Housework, landscaping and cooking comprised the sum of Chase. I would ask my wife, or friends what they thought at every opportunity. I have been labeled a "people pleaser" more than once for this habit. What's worse, when an anime style, sparkly backdrop didn't erupt behind my wife or the company I had cooked dinner for to herald my obvious awesomeness and success, I would retreat and assume my accomplishment wasn't good enough. The reserved response of "That's nice" or "Good chow" seemed lackluster to what my 23 year trained mind was expecting. Surely my wife and friends were holding something back to spare me. They won't tell me I am chocked full of suck to spare my feelings...because they're my friends after all. From this I concluded that if I asked enough times, eventually I would get the fireworks and fanfare I felt were warranted.
STOP...
REBOOT...
What are you afraid of? Letting the people I care about down
Why? Because I should never let that happen
Why? Because I choose to be better than that
Why? Because the people I love deserve no less
Why? Because they would do the same for me
Why? Because they love me
WOAH
If the the people I'm working hard for love me already, then the fear is unsubstantiated. I'm not going to let them down, regardless what I do. Trying to validate my existence through others is a waste of time and adds to a neurosis I don't want or need. Asking if my efforts are good enough is defeatist. I am assuming they're not and need someone to tell me otherwise. Hang that nonsense because I know better. My landscaping is damn near pro, my cooking is top shelf. and I can get grass/blood stains out of anything! If that's not good enough for someone, their loss, and I can focus more energy on me. Sound selfish? Sure it does, but since my best wasn't good enough for you, I'm no longer obligated to care what you think of me.
Until we me again,
-Chase
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