That validation bit

The Offspring did a song called "She's got issues" one of the lyrics states: "She talks about closure and that validation bit.  I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit."  I asked my wife one time what that meant, because apart from enjoying the song and Offspring's body of work in general, I never thought to look it up.  She explained that it was validating your existence through the acceptance of someone else. In the song's case, girl has broken up with old boyfriend and wants to be accepted by new boyfriend with frequency.  I thought, why would anyone need to do that?  Without realizing it, I'd been passively doing it most of my life.

As a baby you are validated by your parents with praise for rolling over, pointing at da-da and finding your head with both hands.  In school your teachers validate you with praise for a solid book report, or figuring out what the hell "x" is on the 1st try. I never was any good at that, myself.  Parents continue validating you into adolescences as you show interest in hobbies like sports, music, or underwater basket weaving.  As you enter into the workforce teachers' praise is replaced by manager's praise for a job well done, or putting in that overtime on a Saturday.  Then there's spousal praise, and while it cannot take the place of your parents, after you move out and don't see them every day, it's harder to come by. I interact with mine 2-3 times a month.  Here is where my problem arose.

For 23 out of the 29 years I've been drawing breath, somebody, somewhere at some time has given me an atta-boy for good work, or cuffed me across the neck for bad work.  I was raised and trained to expect it and so tailored my efforts to get it.  My current manager called me "achievement driven." in my last meeting. I'll agree with that, but I responded "Who isn't?"  Why would you pass up the satisfaction of a job well done, or the rush you get from realizing you took whatever project was in front of you and kicked its ass. More to the point, your friends, or co-workers know about it.  YOU DID IT.  I feel like a motivation poster all of a sudden.  I cannot fathom why anyone wouldn't want that, but remember everything I know is wrong.  There are people in this world who do not know that sensation because they were never taught it.  Their best, even their 110% was never good enough, so instead of pushing harder, they gave up. Lets file this with the facts I know are true.

I have learned that the older I get, the less spectacular I become.  The list of things I accomplish for the 1st time dwindles and the praise of those around me becomes more difficult to garner.  But I am driven by it, my boss said so. I have been trained to thrive on it, haven't I?  You do something good, and get a high five, pat on the back, etc, right? No, not right!  As that list of 1st time successes gets smaller, the checked off items become part of you.  They amount to your skills and abilities. The fact that you can wash a household worth of clothes, change out the sink hardware, and mow the yard all in 1 day isn't worthy of celebration, its just part of your routine.  For quite a while I have sought my validation through my projects.  Housework, landscaping and cooking comprised the sum of Chase.  I would ask my wife, or friends what they thought at every opportunity.  I have been labeled a "people pleaser" more than once for this habit.  What's worse, when an anime style, sparkly backdrop didn't erupt behind my wife or the company I had cooked dinner for to herald my obvious awesomeness and success, I would retreat and assume my accomplishment wasn't good enough.  The reserved response of "That's nice" or "Good chow" seemed lackluster to what my 23 year trained mind was expecting. Surely my wife and friends were holding something back to spare me.  They won't tell me I am chocked full of suck to spare my feelings...because they're my friends after all.  From this I concluded that if I asked enough times, eventually I would get the fireworks and fanfare I felt were warranted.

STOP...
REBOOT...
What are you afraid of?  Letting the people I care about down
Why? Because I should never let that happen
Why? Because I choose to be better than that
Why? Because the people I love deserve no less
Why? Because they would do the same for me
Why? Because they love me
WOAH

If the the people I'm working hard for love me already, then the fear is unsubstantiated.  I'm not going to let them down, regardless what I do.  Trying to validate my existence through others is a waste of time and adds to a neurosis I don't want or need. Asking if my efforts are good enough is defeatist.  I am assuming they're not and need someone to tell me otherwise.  Hang that nonsense because I know better.  My landscaping is damn near pro, my cooking is top shelf. and I can get grass/blood stains out of anything!  If that's not good enough for someone, their loss, and I can focus more energy on me.  Sound selfish?  Sure it does, but since my best wasn't good enough for you, I'm no longer obligated to care what you think of me.

 Until we me again, 
-Chase