Easter week blog off - Finale

Today's topic is forgiveness, whether for yourself or someone else, because love was more important.  I'm going to roll the clock back to last October again, are you starting to see a pattern here?  All the important things that happen to me seem to revolve around that month.  Committing 16 or more nights to our haunted farm means we need find someone to watch our daughter more often than usual.  That means calling my parents into play. A misunderstanding as to who was watching her when, resulted in an argument that drove a wedge between me and my folks. 

Everyone handles conflict differently, yelling, berating each other, guilt trips, wrestling, and sometimes all out slugfests.  In my mother's case, the silent treatment is her weapon of choice.  After a very heated exchange at their house, I was asked not to come back.  I wasn't their son anymore, they told me.  While that comment cut deeply, I relied on my wife and our plan.  We had decided on who would watch our daughter and when well ahead of time. To our knowledge, we'd expressed this plan to both pairs of grandparents so they could schedule accordingly.  Miscommunication at this point didn't make me wrong, in my mind the argument wasn't my fault.  I had my daughter's best interests at heart and if anyone, even my parents, disagreed, that was on them.  Period. 

The holiday season passed with very little interaction between me and them.  I was assailed by doubt on multiple occasions, but I fell back on my wife.  I had done nothing wrong.  I was living my life, making decisions with and for my family, and if my parents disagreed, it was still on them. That fact had not changed.  If they wanted to isolate themselves from us, and from their granddaughter, that was their choice.  There was nothing I could do about it.  I concluded time was being wasted because of their decision to be prideful. 

My dad reached out first, as he usually did.  He doesn't hold the kind of iron grudge that my mom does.  We spoke briefly in text messages through November, and discussed meeting at a local mall to get our daughter's picture with Santa.  Sadly another Thanksgiving came and went without my parents at the table.  I am becoming more accustomed to that tradition since I began my family.  The next time we saw each other was for lunch outside the mall on the chosen day.  My dad seemed genuinely happy to see me, while my mom was down right frigid.  She would smile at my daughter with one side of her face and grimace at me with the other.  This is over a month later, mind you.  She has been holding this grudge for a month and a week. As the photo session came to a close, we asked my parents point blank if they would be attending our daughter's birthday the following weekend.  As if they had practiced it, they both looked away from us and did not answer the question.  We left, there was nothing more either party needed to say.

For our daughter's sake, my parents did make it to the party, and while a bit withdrawn, she wouldn't have known any better.  As before, my dad seemed himself, but my mom still couldn't look my direction without seeming pained.  I had seen this face many times in my youth, it meant I'd done something wrong and there was no repairing it.  This time though, my shield came back up in the form of my wife.  I was doing right by her, and at the end of the day when I closed my eyes, that's what mattered most. Pictures we took at the party will show, smiling faces, balloons and everyone having a good time.  My daughter won't know how her grandmother was feeling toward her daddy that day. 

The next opportunity we had to get together was our annual Christmas Eve sushi feast at a local hibachi house.  For the 1st time in years, my parents were not at the table.  This is verging on 3 months after our initial argument.  3 MONTHS! Who can let anger fester for that long?  Clearly I know the answer now.  While all this had been going on I was attending my weekly men's accountability group at church, and it seemed I had more bad news to deliver on this subject each time.  My brothers always offered comfort or advice whenever they could, but ultimately time was the only thing to right the situation.  Nothing I did or said would have an effect now

After New Years something changed, I gave up the fight. I stopped caring about right and wrong, and realized I just missed my parents.  I prayed hard and forgave them their behavior over the past 3 1/2 months. I lifted up their names in group prayer each week, and asked God to show them their way back to my family.  It took time, but my conversations with my dad became longer, and one day he came out and asked if mom and he could watch their granddaughter for a weekend.  He asked my permission!  I was shocked, but agreed.  It seemed they missed her as much as I missed them.  After that, we reached a new arrangement where our daughter spends the 3rd weekend of the month with them.  My parents have resumed their role in our lives and last night, for the 1st time since October 3rd, 2013, my mom said she loved me.

Easter week blog off - Part 4

Today's topic, what burden did you turn over to God? What cross did you shoulder that God relieved you of?  As human beings we are wired to give in to temptations, that's why they're called temptations.  Everyone has their guilty pleasure, their vice, and in some cases their full blown sin.

Love of money = Greed
Love of food = Gluttony
Love of the flesh = Lust

Now when I use the word "love" I mean to the level of an idol.  Putting money, food, or flesh before God is a sin.  I wrestle with all 3 of these in some capacity and pray over at least 2 of them nightly.  I won't say that I put money before God, but it makes up the majority of my daily stress and worry.  Where is it going? Do we have enough of it? Will we have enough next week?  Are we spending wisely? Are we saving enough, or at all?  At any random time of the day one of these questions is always on my mind.  Why?  On 3 separate occasions in the past month, I have been on the verge of panic over our finances and all 3 times we came out with exactly what we needed, no more and no less.  Right on the money, if you'll pardon the pun.  Now you might say I lucked out, and maybe I did, but luck and grace hang out real close to each other in my experience.

I love food, as anyone who knows me will attest.  I revel in the challenge of cooking every single day.  You don't tip the scales at 220 lbs by relying on peanut butter sandwiches and Jello, let me tell you.  I wouldn't say that I regard food more than God, though I know I eat too much.  I recognize that what I have, "my daily bread" even, is from Him who loves me.  I also know my skill and passion for cooking is from Him as well.  I am thankful for both of these things daily, and have never viewed food as an idol.

Now for that 3rd one, lust of the eyes, and lust of the flesh.  I have tripped into this bear trap countless times. This October I will be married to my wife for 7 years.  I love her and would do anything and everything to make her happy until my last sunset.  Society and media on the other hand, use scantily clad women to try to sell me everything from cars to double bacon cheeseburgers.  Since middle school I have been hooked on porn.  It was free, easily accessible, and doesn't hurt anyone.  How is this a bad thing?  It skewed my impression of what a woman is supposed to be, that's how!  Real world women and porn star women are two roads that will never cross. I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking real women are willing and able to reenact "Debbie Does Dallas: 500" at a moments notice.  This is wrong.

The longer I was married, the more the truth of the matter became apparent.  Page 218 of the Kamasutra (you know, the position that calls for a rope swing and peach preserves) was not in my future.  But why not?  I had a wife now, that's the best part of being married, isn't it?  This confused my brainwashed self, and led me back to porn.  I rationalized that if marriage didn't equal my getting what I had seen in pictures for the past 10 years, the pictures were still there, they were still free, and my imagination could fill in the blanks.  At the end of the day, I didn't love my wife any less, and I would still do anything to make her happy. As far as I was concerned everybody came out on top.

Remember that selfless gift that lives in my dresser drawer?  There are dozens of references to the "reward" awaiting those with any hint of sexual immorality in their lives.  I seem to recall something about being grouped with the murders, rapist and liars for judgement, followed by a leisurely dip in a lake of fire and endless torment.  GET ME OFF THAT LIST!  I came before God in evening prayer, and admitted in a loud proud voice (inside my head at least)  I love boobs!  You made billions of them and they are great, but you only made 2 of them for me. They belong to my wife, and I love her the most.  WHAM!  My cross dropped.  I owned up to the most powerful and controlling, burden of my life and turned it over to God.  He loves me, I trust Him, and nothing can control me if He doesn't give it permission.  I'll bet a whole pile of money that porn doesn't ask permission.

Since then it has been a conscious effort to not allow myself into situations where temptation will be found.  That is to say I stopped looking for it, but it still looks for me.  What is different now, you wonder?  How do I avoid my former favorite bear trap?  I wake up every morning with the same two thoughts:  1) I will be tempted today  2) My armor is shining and I will keep it that way.