What about the drama from your momma?

I have officially been 30 years old for 2 weeks now, and while I don't feel physically different, I fear that I am becoming more aware of certain unpleasant aspects of relationships I have been a part of my whole life.  I've developed a habit, immediately following any of my well formed plans crashing and burning at my feet, of saying "Well I had this vision, right?"  This applies to my married life as well.  That is not to say my marriage is crashing and burning, oh no far from it, but the reactions to me being married are whats getting to me.  Two weeks from now I will celebrate my seventh wedding anniversary.  In that time I have purchased two different houses, created a daughter and been promoted two times in my job.  The second promotion actually takes effect on October 13th.  With that picture, you could safely say I have done well for myself.  If I wanted to be modest, my efforts are passable.  I pray for and receive my daily bread.  I have what I need, and know better than to try living beyond my means, that is irresponsible and, in my opinion, dumb.  I cannot afford to be dumb when the life of two other people hang in the balance.     

I have blogged before about my happiness being derived from helping others or making others happy.  The easiest and most natural way for me to accomplish this is to feed people.  Honestly, have you ever seen an unhappy person who's just finished a plate of chow?  I cannot say that I have.  With the exception of my wife and daughter there are two people I want to make happy more than anything, my parents, but they choose to make that task as difficult as possible.  Since I have been married there have been highs and lows, and fights and apologies, as with any marriage.  My wife and I have learned from our mistakes and, for the most part, become better people and a better team because of it.  Well I had this vision, right? two people bringing together their families and forming one big family who share things and understand each other, and are there for each other in times of trouble.  As I mentioned above, this vision crashed and burned.  Our families have difficulty being in the same room with each other.  My parents cite "they're just too different" as their excuse.  My in laws try, I have seen them, but what is the point of putting forth effort that is never reciprocated?  The result is a very complicated and overbooked holiday season.

I come from a generation that has a saying "Save the drama for your momma" because no one else cares.  But how am I supposed to respond when the drama is coming from my momma?  I don't want my wife and daughter exposed to it, because its not their fault, or problem to bear, but I am also unable to change two people who have been doing this for 55 years.  This is where recognizing unpleasant aspects of lifelong relationships is coming into the equation.  My parents have committed acts of irresponsible and disrespectful nature toward my wife and I.  The very same things they taught me NOT TO DO when I lived under their roof.  I'm not trying to be dramatic here, and my parents have not devolved into monsters.  Its simple things, like not being able to give me a straight answer to a simple, closed ended question, not being somewhere when they said they would be, and worse, not having a cell phone to contact them.  Any of those things would have gotten me in deep shit 10 years ago.  That's irresponsible, I would have been told.  We worry about you, and one day you'll understand.  They were absolutely right!  But what is my recourse now? To lecture my parents on what they already know?  It is not the job of the apprentice to teach the master.  Do I call them out for being hypocrites?  Do I even have it in me to accept that I was raised in a "Do as I say not as I do" family environment? 

I suppose the bottom line in all this is that I am having to grapple with my parents not being the great and infallible entities I always thought they were.  They are clearly guilty of many of the shortcomings they drilled me never to do.  With this information coming into focus, how do I proceed?  I want to respect my parents, but as a man, husband and father myself, I expect theirs equally.  If they cannot give me what I feel is earned, then what is my incentive to return in kind?  I have long wanted to make my parents proud of me in my accomplishments and successes.  I saw it as my way of thanking them for teaching me, and raising me to have work ethic, and determination to see a job through to the end.  Another unfortunate aspect of my relationship with them seems to be apathy toward my hard work.  Again, without incentive of someone else being happy (my wife, daughter, mom and dad topping that list) why should I push on?  What is the point of giving my all if those I want to share my accomplishments with don't really care?

I do not want to accept that my parents are lonely and quietly angry people.  That cannot be the truth of it.  They taught me everything right, they showed me love, compassion and discipline.  An apathetic person wouldn't value these things as traits, and yet I have them.  Did my getting married cause some rift in my relationship with my parents?  Its too late to repair that now.  I am 7 years invested into my married life.  I am not going to derail that train to appease my parents.  At this point I wonder if they can be appeased by anything that I do.  Being an adult seems to become more difficult with each passing year, even if you don't do anything to make it so.

Until we meet again...
Chase