Quick show of hands from all my married friends, are holidays ever easy? I feel like a juggler trying to keep 3 pins moving while off balance, with my eyes closed. I sit here looking at all the people going on about their mothers and the sparkly sign GIF's proclaiming HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY all over facebook. I debated posting a picture like everyone else, but then remembered I have very few. My mom has become adept at dodging cameras over the years, and with that in mind I concluded she wouldn't appreciate my posting one of the few I do have. It feels the same every holiday: Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers/Fathers Day, Arbor Day, Armed Forces Day, it doesn't matter. I will be juggling 3 pins trying to keep my wife, my wife's family, and my parents happy. Placing the happiness of others before yourself makes it very difficult to find a genuine smile. Does prizing your own happiness over those around you not make you self centered? I'm not self centered, so I don't do that. The older I get, the more difficult real happiness is to find. Pouring my energy into everyone else's happiness becomes the norm.
I am not an asshole, nor am I callous and inconsiderate of others. Yet, by comparison, it seems to me those who choose this path of human interaction are happier than I allow myself to be. Have I gotten the equation wrong, should I be self centered and to hell with everyone else who isn't on the same page as I am? That looks like a volatile lifestyle, if you ask me. I derive happiness by making others happy. Feeding my friends is one of the primary avenues I employ to reach that end. If someone needs for something, or asks to do something, I take joy in being the one who makes it happen. Though I am usually not the one doing the asking. Does that make me wrong?
To any fans of Terry Goodkind, and the Sword of Truth series, wizard's 2nd rule applies to me. The best intentions can give rise to the most catastrophic outcomes. I can't see the future, I've never boasted that I could. I can't know how spending an afternoon with my mother will impact the rest of my family. My brain breaks it down to "you are doing something loving/good/ kind for someone you love. This is the right course" I find out later that in so doing I have offended, or irritated, or forgotten about someone else, and that causes mental and emotional conflict all over the map. I cannot rationalize how doing good is resulting in my being in trouble. I did nothing wrong, I made one person happy, that should not, in turn, make another person mad. Why am I wrong? How am I wrong? How is making someone happy wrong? This is a question that doesn't get answered, but boiled down to me not understanding. So ultimately I punish myself while the person I made mad remains mad at me. Making someone happy is then equated to my being in trouble, and getting punished. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is.
With that in mind, it could said that I have a perfectly good reason to be a callous dick. I was told earlier in my marriage that as an adult no one was there to punish me anymore. (barring breaking the law, of course) If I burn dinner, or forget to lock up, or leave the pantry light on all day, no one is there to berate me or impress upon me the importance of not doing that again. So I took on the responsibility myself. It isn't my wife's job, she told me. Though she has no qualms punishing me for when she feels wronged by something I did or said. Remember I am not yet a callous dick so these outcomes are born from my best intentions. (You see a cycle forming yet?) What prevents me from catching that initial onslaught of verbal/emotional punishment and firing back with, I made my decision, you need to deal with it however you need to deal with it?" or "This problem is your problem." 1st of all, because I love her and I care about her opinion foremost. If she hurts, I hurt. 2nd, she can always word her argument to somehow convince my brain that the thing I did/said that I thought was good, was actually bad. There is no way for me to undo, or unsay what has happened so I then have to live with the aftermath.
It seems to me that if I put myself 1st and said to hell with everyone else and their opinions, a good bit of this complication would cease to be; but I know acting that way would cause those I love to respond in kind and eventually either: a) we would all be dicks to one another, or b) I would be a very lonely individual. I do not look forward to either of those outcomes, but I am equally dissatisfied with my current situation. I refuse to accept that my acting to the happiness of one person should result, for any reason, in the angering of another. I have done right, so why is it so difficult to ignore the good that was done, and focus on how you were wronged by me? The result of which is trying to persuade me that my actions were wrong from the start. In my opinion they weren't and it isn't fair for anyone to try and convince me otherwise. I need to discover how to support my actions in such a way as to not be convinced of wrongdoing; I need to balance bringing myself happiness without it costing me compassion for others, and I got about 40 years to pull this off. Wish me luck.
